• Woman: On Hold

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The P word

No, not ‘period’ – *pretty*.

I always wanted to be pretty. No, actually, that’s  not quite true; despite occasional teasing I don’t recall feeling bad about the way I looked until I was 11 or so and in my first year of Intermediate (the NZ equivalent of America’s Middle School). I was a bit of an outsider – I had boobs, my period, and was interested in learning – and a group of girls made my life hell that year. Since then I’ve never felt good about the way I look, apart from a brief period when The Man of the House and I first hooked up, about 14 or so years ago now. Occasionally I’ve looked in the bathroom mirror (the only one I have in the house, and that’s just because I can’t remove it from the wall) and caught a glimpse of myself looking ‘good’ but it’s always fleeting and I haven’t had it happen for several years now. Now, I just see me – and I don’t like it. I change my hair, I’ve even flirted with wearing make-up but nothing seems to help. I did the diet thing, back when I was still trapped into that Hollywood idea that life would change if I was thinner. It never did (change, that is) and I ended up heavier and more depressed. I never thought I looked good even when I *did* manage to lose a few kilos. It was all an illusion.

I learnt to deal with this by not dealing with it – in short, I ignored the way I looked. I never pictured myself in my head, I kept mirrors away (or I kept away from them) and that worked surprisingly well for quite a long time. But unfortunately it’s not working anymore and I need a new strategy. But I have none.

I want to feel pretty, dammit, I want to feel attractive, I want to feel sexy and confident and it’s just not happening. I haven’t felt like that before and yeah, I’m getting older but I think that everyone has the right to feel pretty at least once in their lives. Where’s mine?


2 Responses

  1. Unfortunately, terrorism of the sort witnessed at Columbine appears to be the only sort of behavior the bully loving public responds to. Could people be any more stupid?

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